Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie’s been wanting to date for a long time.
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Pilot
Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.
Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.
Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.
Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.
Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.
Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.
Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.
Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.
When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.
When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.
Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan. While Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, because she wants to sell him real estate. When Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat. When he finds out why it's there he decides to trade in his car.
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.
When Charlie leaves the house to avoid a date that he can't stand, he ends up at a coffee shop, where he meets his old girlfriend Lisa. He finds out that she broke up with her husband, and now has a child. Now he must try to convince Lisa that he's okay with her having a child. While Jake tries to justify to his father why he isn't doing so well in school.
Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.
After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.
After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.
The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.
When Judith decides to take a vacation, the brothers have to take care of Jake during the week. Alan finds it challenging, and even forgets to pick up Jake from soccer practice. When Alan finds out that he has to go to the I.R.S. because they're auditing him, he forces Charlie to take care of Jake, and Charlie doesn't do any better then Alan.
After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.
Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.
After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.
Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a ""dead guy"". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.
Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to ""waste it"". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.
Evelyn demands Jake spend a night at her place when she finds out he spent Spring Break with Judith's parents. Neither Alan nor Charlie are keen on the idea, but going to a bar after dropping off Jake quickly erases their concerns.
Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.
Alan has been dating a lot, and Charlie soon finds out that it has been one woman - his ex-wife, Judith. He tries to stop Alan, and even brings Rose, Evelyn and Berta to interfere - but Alan ignores them all.
Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship, becuase of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.
Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.
Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.
Alan has trouble deciding if he should bring his younger girlfriend to Jake's birthday party to meet his mom and his ex-wife. Rose tries to get her boyfriend to act more like Charlie.
Charlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.
Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.
Charlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with them for the last three weeks. Alan is having a tough time helping Kandi earn a living. Charlie has lost his sense because of the dry-spell he is going through.
Jake’s teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.
A girl from Jake’s school invites him to his first boy-girl party. Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.
Mia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie’s sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.
Charlie and Mia start making their wedding arrangements. Things begin to fall apart when their two families meet each other. They eventually decide on a small ceremony in Las Vegas.
Charlie finally tells Alan that he didn't marry Mia because she wanted Alan and Jake to move out of the house, but Alan finds a hole in his logic. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbor who constantly sings all the time, who happens to be Steven Tyler.
Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake’s dislike of his mother’s fiancé.
Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.
Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.
Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.
Jake shares that he has heard his mother having sex with her fiancée, Herb; this revelation brings up a repressed memory for Charlie. This leads Charlie to seek help from Rose.
Charlie's young, hot girlfriend takes him to a new club. She invites Alan to meet one of her friends but the men are shocked to learn that they are considered as being "old".
After Evelyn tells Alan and Charlie how she feels about there being no mourners at her friend’s funeral, the boys share their feelings that this could also be the case at her funeral. Evelyn tries to prove them wrong by introducing them to a couple she help adopt a boy from China. The boys return fire by inviting the young man to a play date with Jake.
Alan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Charlie’s ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge.
Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.
Charlie writes a children’s song and finds success as Charlie Waffles. The children love him and the mothers seem to as well. Charlie's new found fame irritates Alan.
Charlie borrowed money from Alan and on the day he is supposed to pay him back, Alan goes to ask Charlie for the money. He again finds Charlie in bed with a beautiful woman. After Charlie shoos him out and assures him he'll get the money for him later that day, the woman asks if Charlie is really out of cash and Charlie tells her not to worry, that he has plenty of hooker money.
Charlie tries to help Jake's former teacher, who became a stripper after dating him, but things go from bad to worse when she has a religious conversion.
When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking; Jake is sent to stay with a less-than-willing Charlie for three months during Judith's meltdown.
Alan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl to pick up women. They later end up going back to Herb's hotel room with two prostitutes, where Herb declares his love for Judith and races over to win her back.
Charlie's new girlfriend Chelsea asks him to spend the night at her place, which puts Charlie well outside of his comfort zone, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake initiated by Judith for mooning a group of girls.
Charlie finds himself in an uncomfortable position when Jake takes off with the daughter of a former NFL player. Charlie's Mercedes proves a boon to Alan's love life.
Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, and Alan becomes listless because he has no compelling reason to work anymore, while Jake discovers a hidden talent in the culinary arts that may allow him to bypass college altogether.
After Chelsea discovers a nude picture of another woman on Charlie's cell phone, he blows off steam by going out for a night of drinking with Alan, Herb and his neighbor.
Charlie mourns the loss of his bachelor pad as he reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in. Meanwhile, Alan discovers there is no longer much space left in the house for him.
Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital, on the sixth season finale.
Alan's advice to Chelsea that she get breast-reduction surgery is not met with enthusiasm by Charlie, who kicks him out, but staying with Evelyn has its own challenges.
Charlie opts to have a colonoscopy in order to avoid going on a trip with Chelsea to see her parents. However, when he returns home, he finds her parents at his house.
Charlie is miffed over Alan's planned attendance of Chelsea's birthday party and suffers the indignity of having Jake chauffer him around following a license suspension.
When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.
Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey
When Walden gets tired of the complications that come with a traditional relationship, he hires an actress to be his girlfriend; Jake plans a rendezvous with Missi (Miley Cyrus) at the beach house.
Alan is faced with relationship trouble when he does not give Lyndsey a key to the beach house; Walden, Alan, Herb and Billy commiserate about relationships.
Walden dates an attractive 22-year-old (Hilary Duff), but ends up being more interested in her grandmother (Marilu Henner); Jake and Alan go on a trip.
Walden and Alan think it may be time for Berta to retire when she injures her back at work. When they suggest her retiring, she grows offended, and as the conversation progresses she quits. Walden and Alan then try different maids, with little success.
Alan and Lyndsey's illicit relationship becomes jeopardized when one of Lyndsey's man-hunting friends, Stephanie (Jennifer Aspen), asks if they are back together. The two staunchly deny it, then Lyndsey insists that Alan make a date with Stephanie so that she will believe their lie. Alan meets her for an uncomfortable date, which nevertheless leads to sex, causing Lyndsey to get mad and leave Alan again.
When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.
Walden gets an invitation to his ex-girlfriend's boutique opening. Meanwhile, Gretchen wants to spend more time at Alan's (a.k.a. Jeff Strongman) house.
Alan's girlfriend, Gretchen, insists he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.
Alan and Walden have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.
Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids’ gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Alan goes out for a girls’ night with a group of moms.
Walden discovers how challenging it is to be intimate with women when his foster son, Louis, is in the house. Also, Herb asks Alan if he can go on a date with Lyndsey.
Walden fears if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.
After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.
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